Where to begin. For anyone that knows me, they know that I have always been better at writing anything I want to say, rather than speaking the words. I guess its just the ability to let my fingers fly across the keyboard and making sure that what comes from that is something that is worth reading to someone. I probably use the backspace button more than I do the space bar!
This is something that I have thought and wondered about doing, blogging our TTC (trying to conceive) journey, and just sharing life's ups and downs. Maybe you know us personally, or just found this blog online. Either way, maybe it will help things make more sense of the type of people that we are and maybe the way that we live or act. It honestly scares the hell out of me to put myself out there like this, but a very sweet, loving, amazing woman gave me the confidence to do this and just go for it. Thanks Lora, I know we have only known each other a short time and through social media only, but I cant thank you enough for giving me the courage to do this. I am a very open person and love to be goofy and off the wall, and loud, and crazy, but a lot of that is just my own personal defense mechanism. I have always had a shield up for as long as I can remember. It just always has helped me deal with whatever would be going on in life.
I got a huge wake up call this past month, when on my phone up popped a notification saying "New Insight - TTC- Month 40". Thanks my wonderful Glow app for reminding me that we have been putting our heart and soul into a dream for the past 40 months and at this point have nothing to show for it. Well actually maybe we do. Lets list the things. Bitterness. Sadness. Heartbreak. Arguments. Depression. Mood swings. Hot flashes. Horrible crazy medication side effects. Screaming. Yelling. Crying. Oh, did I mention Emptiness? There is a quote I always see online and it mentions that sometimes the girls with the biggest smiles are crying the most tears. Yes true. But I am learning that if you don't have hope in life, then what is there to have?
I cant say that the past 40 months has brought nothing but bad. There have been some good. Like those horrible fights with the screaming and yelling, they ended up putting everything on the table that Scott and I have been feeling, and we have become closer because of it. We have come to love our fur baby Roxy like she was a child, because in our own crazy little family, she is our child. And for now that will have to do. There was also the first time (they think the first ever in my life) that I ovulated. I think I cried more getting that phone call from the nurse than I've cried for all the phone calls saying I hadn't. That brought hope to my life. And again, with out hope, what is there?
I am usually not a big new years resolution person, but after battling horrible depression for most of the last part of the year, and finally having the courage to ask the doctor for help and get past it, or at least learn to deal with it, I decided that I was going to become a new me in 2014. Instead of my typical new years wish of oh I hope we get pregnant this year, I decided that it was time for me to work on myself and my marriage. And when that little Bean joins us one day, we will be better for it all. I have never been a big church person, its not something that I was raised around. Never went to church, except those rare occasions I would go with Kellie and her family, or the few times I went with my dad when I would visit
for the weekend. But starting the first Sunday of the year, I found myself in church. And I couldn't have felt any better afterwards. Last weekend we were at my grandparents with my family celebrating Christmas with all of them, so we did not attend, but we will be there this weekend for sure.
I also decided that I was going to make more of a lifestyle change rather than a resolution, but I am going to try to get along with everyone. Even the people who may not be my cup of tea, or people that may have wronged me in the past and have hurt me. I just want to be happy. I am sick of being the hurt, upset, sad, depressed girl that I have been for too long. So you know what Glow app, BRING IT! Bring the reminders, bring the countdown (or count up, not sure what it would be considered), bring it all! I am not going to be discouraged to the point that I was, I am NOT going to let infertility win! It may think its won the battle every month that only 1 line shows up on that pregnancy test (or 10 if I am being crazy), but we will win the war.
So here's to the new year, the new me, the new us, and here's to not only helping myself through this time in life, but maybe letting someone else out there that they are not alone with the feelings, the tears, or the frustration. Infertility is for sure a disease that I would not wish on anyone, but I am truly believing that if I can get through this, I can get through anything. Thanks all for reading, and thanks for sharing in this adventure of my crazy, wonderful, happy life!
